JOKES, CARTOONS and QUIZZES.

Yes, we do LAUGH, SMILE, and Grin!! in Recovery! Try IT?

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?" "No.

You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY.

Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "

When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

 

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

 

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

12 Drinks A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick! Pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you're drinking those drinks really fast." The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got." The bartender says, "What've you got?" The guy says, "75 cents."

 

 

The Five Stages of Drunkenness

Stage One: SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage Two: GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage Three: RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage Four: BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and heck, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage Five: INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

 

Kid prayers

Dear God,Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

 

Norma Dear God,Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones you have now?

 

Jane Dear God,Who draws the lines around the countries?

 

Nan Dear God,I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

 

Neil Dear God,Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

 

Joyce Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

 

Dear God,Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

 

Bruce Dear God,If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.

 

Denise Dear God,I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

 

Sam Dear God,I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.

 

Ruth Dear God,I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

 

Elliott Dear God,I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world.There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.

 

Nan Dear God,Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.

 

Rob Dear God,My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.They are just kidding, aren't they?

 

Marsha Dear God,If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.

 

Mickey Dear God,We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.

 

Sincerely, Donna Dear God,I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.

 

Charles Dear God,I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!

 

Eugene Dear God,Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.Larry

 

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A Turn of Phrase

Many modern-day phrases are direct or slightly modified quotations from the Bible.

 

But some familiar sayings are assumed to be biblical when they actually are not.

Can you detect the true biblical phrases from the false ones?

1. Out of the mouth of babes True False

2. Forbidden fruit True False

3. God save the king True False

4. Feet of clay True False

5. The millennium True False

6. At their wit's end True False

7. Fall by the wayside True False

8. Old wine in new wineskins True False

9. A house divided against itself True False

10. Put words in one's mouth Tru eFalse

11. Haste makes waste True False

12.A drop in the bucket True False

 

Answers to Build Your Bible Power

1.True. "Out of the mouth of babes … hast thou ordained strength … " (Psa. 8:1-2). Jesus also makes reference in Matthew 21:16 to this passage.

2. False. In Genesis 2, although God commands Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, he never refers to it as "forbidden fruit.

"3. True. You may think the British coined this one, but it's actually the shout of the Israelites in 1 Samuel 10:24 when Samuel introduces Saul, their first king

.4. True. In Daniel 2:31-33, God gives a detailed description to the Jewish captive of the bigger-than-life figure in Nebuchadnezzar's dream who had, among other things, "feet part of clay."

5. False. Although Revelation 20:1-5 mentions the meaning of millennium-"a period of a thousand years"-the word itself never appears in the Bible.

6. True. Psalm 107:27 depicts sailors caught in a storm as "at their wit's end," true of anyone facing a seemingly hopeless situation.

7. True. The words introduce the sower in Jesus' parable (Matt. 13:3-9, kjv) who "when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side." Unlike the modern meaning of the phrase, which indicates something forgotten, the sower's seeds were noticed and eaten by birds.

8. False. Jesus first gives a warning, then advice in Matthew 9:17: "Neither do men put new wine into old wineskins … they put new wine into new wineskins." Nowhere does he refer to old wine being put into new wineskins. A trick question. Sorry.

9. True. Abraham Lincoln, running for the U.S. Senate in 1858, reiterated the wisdom of Jesus' words to the Pharisees in Matthew 12:25, effectively using it to point out the impossibility of uniting slave states and free.

10. True. When King David's son Absalom disappeared after murdering his brother Amnon, Joab (Israel's commander-in-chief) hatched a scheme with the woman from Tekoah to bring father and son back together. As 2 Samuel 14:3 explains, " … Joab put the words in her mouth.

11. False. It may sound like one of Solomon's proverbs, but Ben Franklin penned, "Take time for all things: great haste makes great waste."

12. True. How powerful is the Lord? According to Isaiah 40:15, hostile nations are "as a drop of a bucket" to him, i.e., inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Though the meaning remained the same, the phrase was later changed to "a drop in the bucket."

Keeping Score?7-8 correct Good9-10 correct Excellent11-12 correct Outstanding

For Better or Worse By J. Stephen Lang For Better or Worse Marriage must have a lot going for it, since it has endured through out human history.

 

Even in our own cynical age, we still have a soft spot in our hearts for weddings, and we can't help but wish that the happy couple really will remain together "till death do us part." The Bible is definitely pro-marriage (also very pro-fidelity), and takes a serious view of this life time commitment.

See how much you know about weddings and marriages in the Book of Books.

What Hebrew prophet married a promiscuous woman with the romantic name "Gomer"?

What king had such prestige that he married the daughter of the Egyptian pharaoh?

Who brought his future father-in-law two hundred Philistine foreskins as the price for marrying the man's daughter?

What saintly man was thrown in prison for criticizing a ruler who married his sister-in-law? What book tells of "the sons of God" marrying "the daughters of men"?

Jesus and His disciples were invited to a wedding in what location?

Although the apostle Paul recommended a life of celibacy, he stated that it was "better to marry than to _____."

What book describes a festive occasion called the "wedding supper of the Lamb"?

Complete this verse from Hebrews: "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge _____."

What Old Testament character gave away his bride to his best man?

 

Bonus Puzzler

What New Testament letter condemns false teachers who "forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods"?

 

For Better or Worse (answers)

Hosea (1:1-3).

Solomon (1 Kings 3:1).

David, who had been promised the hand of King Saul's daughter Merab if he would "fight the battles of the Lord" (1 Samuel 18:17-27).

John the Baptist, imprisoned (and later beheaded) for condemning the wicked Herod (Mark 6:17-18).

Genesis (6:2). No one is absolutely sure just who the "sons of God" were.

Cana, where Jesus performed his first miracle, turning water into wine (John 2).

Burn—meaning "burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9).

Revelation (19). This "wedding" is not between a man and a woman, but between Christ and His church.

The adulterer (Hebrews 13:4).

Samson (Judges 14:20). Specifically, the man is referred to as "the friend who attended him at his wedding."

Bonus Puzzler: 1 Timothy (4:3), which states that marriage and food were "created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth."

 

To Coin a Phrase

How familiar are you with the Bibles influence on expressions we still use everyday?

By J. Stephen Lang People quote the Bible even when they don't realize it.

A popular song a few years back repeated the line "Please forgive me, I know not what I do." Was the singer or songwriter aware of Jesus' words on the cross, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do," words that would have been familiar in a more Bible-literate age? Our language is practically saturated with phrases and names from the Bible, specifically from the King James Version, crafted by scholars who definitely had a way with words. Find out just how familiar you are with the Book and its effects on expressions we still use every day.

The phrase "fire and brimstone," used several times in the Bible, appears first in the story of what wicked place? "

My brother's keeper" was first used by what notorious man?

The phrase "a house divided against itself cannot stand" is often attributed to Abraham Lincoln,

but was first spoken by whom?

The phrase "holier than thou" is from the book of a prophet who often called God "the Holy One." Which prophet?

What man recommended "a little wine for the stomach" to one of his protégés?

The name Armageddon, referring to a vast, decisive conflict or confrontation, is found in which New Testament book? "

Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" is from which Old Testament book?

(Hint: Moses) "Sweating blood" is from the story of Jesus agonizing in what location?

Found in the Book of Daniel, "feet of clay" is based on a dream of what famous Babylonian king? Which New Testament book says that "money is the root of all evil"?

Bonus Puzzler

"A drop in the bucket" is from Isaiah 40:15.

Complete the verse: "The _______ are as a drop in a bucket."

To Coin a Phrase (answers)

Sodom, the evil city destroyed by God (Genesis 19:24).

Cain, who had murdered his brother Abel (Genesis 4:9).

Jesus (Matthew 12:25). When Lincoln quoted the phrase in one of his speeches, he assumed his listeners would know he was quoting the Bible.

Isaiah (65:5).

Paul, who made the recommendation to Timothy (1 Timothy 5:23).

Revelation (16:14-16), which describes the final battle of good and evil at the site called Armageddon. Take your pick: Exodus (21:24), Leviticus (24:19-20), or Deuteronomy (19:21).

The garden of Gethsemane, before his arrest (Luke 22:44).

Nebuchadnezzar, who had a dream of a statue made of four metals, with feet made of iron mixed with clay, the vulnerable part of the statue (Daniel 2).

Actually, no book of the Bible says this. However, 1 Timothy 6:10 says that "the love of money is the root of all evil." Omitting "the love of" changes the meaning drastically, doesn't it?

Bonus Puzzler: Nations.