My Story of Addiction and Amazing Grace  { How I, got saved by the Amazing Grace of GOD! and the NA 12 step program.}

We all have war stories. I will tell you a little bit about me? This story is not meant to Glamorize drug's or drug use. It is meant to help and give hope to anyone struggling with the Disease of Addiction and should not be compared to anyone.

 

 

I started using drugs when I, was 12 years old. My first drug of choice was alcohol I drank to feel good even though I never thought that alcohol taste good! It help me to fit in Be cool, it gave me nerve to talk to girls to dance at parties to pretend to be tough, so I would not show how scared I really was in the world. Because you see I was so frightened of everything. Most of all I was afraid that my friends would see right through me some times I felt like if I was not careful they would smell the fear I had of the world and of them. You see I had to fit in by any means necessary.Whatever it took to fit in I had to do I Could not let anyone know of my fears, what would they think of me. And what people thought of me was very important. I had to be liked! because they might beat me up or worse make fun of me and I was the popular one, the hip one, the cool one, The one every one looked up to. I was the oldest. In short I was the MAN! I had all the girls all the clothes I came from a middle class family that was dysfunctional, my father and mother gave me all the materialistic things but no love So I had everything I could possibly want, but had no guidance or direction. I was not taught how to be a young man or a MAN.So I drank to try to survive. When I drank nothing was impossible. Although I really did not enjoy drinking because I did not like the kind of high alcohol gave me, but I continued to drink anyway because I could be whatever and who ever I needed to be. I ran with alcohol for quite a while. Until I met HEROIN how I met heroin was one day my friends which was about 10 guys, were trying to ditch me they all were trying to leave me behind so I followed them because I was curious as to why they were trying to ditch me. Because up till then we all hung out like there was no tomorrow. We were like brothers. So I followed them in to an apartment building where they went to the roof. So I went up to the roof, I crossed over from the other side an came to the side of the roof they were on, when I opened the roof door to where they were the first thing out of all their mouths was Please don’t tell my mother, I was wondering to myself don’t tell your mothers what? And then I saw this little cellophane bag with white powder in it and some of the powder was on their noses .You see they thought I would tell on them Because I was considered a goody good or goody two shoe by them .But when I saw them sniffing the white powder the first thought that came to my mind was, I have to fit in, I have to belong. So I ask them to let me have some and of course they did because I could not tell on them if I were doing it also. When I tried it, I knew instantly it was for me. The way it made me feel was like nothing I had ever felt before, It made me feel like there was nothing and I do mean nothing that I could not do. It gave me unbelievable courage an Self-esteem   It made me feel like I really was the MAN I could talk to girls, if I had an argument it gave me nerve. I was not afraid anymore! So I ran with heroin for a long time. It became my best friend if I were going out to a picnic, party or to talk to girls or just to hang with the fellows, I would go and buy my instant nerve, my Self-esteem   my strength in a bag. I also smoked reefer or marijuana if you prefer but it made me trip in other words it made me paranoid, and I could not have that because reefer made me even more fearful than I already was and that would not do at all! I had to be in control at all times or my secret might get out that I was a really scared person, however it did not make me stop using it. As long as I could use it with other drugs that seem to control the effects of the reefer, it was alright in my book. So I used reefer along with the heroin, alcohol, methadone and cocaine. I used heroin for nearly 29 years. But then I got this brilliant idea instead of paying for the heroin. I could get high for free by getting on the methadone program. Of course I was not going to take it every day! Because I was not an addict. So I got on a methadone program. And guess what I took it every day because each day I said today I am not going to take It.

 

And 21 years later I was still saying today I not going to take it. And While on the methadone program I drank, Cheap wine they just sort of seem to go together wine and methadone. I also continued to drink Beer by now I was pretty much using whatever came my way. I started to use pills along with the methadone, heroin, alcohol, reefer and cocaine anything that would give me courage which was just about everything. The pills were so bad that they had me falling asleep or nodding out where ever I was. I remember I went to this concert at a local park and I was so high that I fell down about four rows of seats on top of this guy and his girl friend. He punch me off of him and when I stood up he punch me square in my back. All my instant nerve went south on me, because I remember just getting up and walking away hoping that he would not follow me and beat me up for falling on him and his girl friend. Whats worse is that a girl that I was trying to talk to was at the park also, and saw the condition I was in ,but I did not know she was there until later, needless to say she did not go out with me after that.It was not long before cocaine was introduced to me. I started using cocaine as a status symbol you see cocaine was considered to be the drug of the rich and famous. So of course I had to use cocaine to say to the world look at me I am somebody. I would put it in a 20 dollar bill so when I sniffed it people could see the 20 dollar bill. Of course the real rich and famous people were using $50 and $100 dollar bills to sniff it from, but I was happy with the $20 dollar bill. Until the $20 dollar bill became a $10 dollar bill and later a $5.00 bill and then a $1.00 bill ,until finally I was using it right out of the good old aluminum foil that it originally came in. By the way I did not like the high that I got from cocaine either! You see cocaine gave me an up high I did not like the feeling of being up an racing I preferred a down high, which heroin and methadone gave me. “You know “ where your speech was slurred” and you might start to nod out or, fall asleep or, start scratching all over yourself, right where you stood. O’ those were the days. (I am being sarcastic by the way) Cocaine brought me to my knees, it was the drug that had me stealing, lying, coning, manipulating. Selling things that I myself would not even buy! Plus selling everything I owned. (Which was not much) to purchase the cocaine. I sold my stuff your stuff their stuff. Instead of boosting my self-esteem and making me feel like I was the man. It cause me to do things that went against everything I believed in. Cocaine along with all the other drugs I was taking caused me to fall into a deep hell or pit I no longer cared about how I looked, smelled, acted or lived. My friend cocaine caused me to be homeless and hungry. That is when I dared to spend 50 cents for a little Debbie or pop popcorn to eat, because I did not dare spend 50 cents if it meant taking away from my getting high. My friend cocaine and I were not welcome at any ones house or party or function if someone saw me on the street they would actually turn and go the other way. By the way that applied to my so call get high friends. Heck no one wanted to be my friend ( I still wonder why! sarcasm again! ) Maybe it was because, I could not even trust myself. And also the lies I started telling I actually started to believe myself. To the point where I could not tell a lie from the truth, heck I was lying even when I did not need to lie. Cocaine allowed me travel however, to places like JAIL, a few Institutions (detoxes and rehabs) I traveled into abandoned buildings, crack houses oh yes I did not get to the crack yet.

 

 

But since I mentioned it. I tried crack quite by accident. A so called get high friend of mine pass me a joint (marijuana) I thought it was strictly marijuana so I took it from him to smoke. Because of course I would take anything I could to get high and especially if it was free! So I took a puff and as soon as I did I knew instantly it was not marijuana. It was mixed, crack and marijuana. It made me feel so good that it was as if my whole life flashed before my eyes. Now I don’t know if you can understand this but it was so good that it scared me. Because I saw my self running with it and not being able to stop. It was as if for the first time in my life I knew that if I smoked it. I would never be able to stop and I knew all in about a second, that I would die, if I continued to use it. It was like GOD was telling me or showing me my future on crack it felt so good and at the same time scared me so bad that I never touch it again.Imagine that, a drug that stop me from using it right away. Well that is exactly what happened when I took that first puff from that day forward I never touched crack again? Thank God! I truly believe that God saved me that day from a certain death of crack. Because crack would have killed me. Believe what you want, but the crack itself told me so. Buy the way when I tried it I had not had any other drugs that hold day! And as you know, if you have ever had an addiction. You will just about try or take anything when you can’t get your drugs of choice!Now let me get back to Mr. cocaine. Of course I would always be ready to travel to where ever they said cocaine was the best. It did not matter where I had to go to get it or what I had to go through to get it. When cocaine said come on lets go off we went to get him. (cocaine) Mr. cocaine left me empty with no hope, lost, beaten, and ashamed, I had become worst than anything you could pick up on the bottom of your shoe while walking through a dog park. In fact dog pooh was a step above me. This is where cocaine and all the other drugs had brought me to. And yes Alcohol is a drug. I continued to fall deeper and deeper into this bottomless pit or hell of drugs. I can remember looking at people who I thought were quote “NORMAL” un quote and saying to myself I wonder what it feels like to be normal. O’ how much I wanted to be normal, of course normal to me meant living without having to use any drugs. I did not realize at the time that it also meant living life on life’s terms. I never lived life nor, did I live life sober, clean drug free! I would have to face life with out a drink or a drug. If I were to be quote, normal! But I am straying, let me get back to how my friend cocaine and his associates ( all the other drugs ) Continued to treat me. Cocaine had guns put to my head. Cocaine had me arrested three times it’s associates (Methodone and Heroin ) caused me to overdose. I promised my family that I would never do drugs again of course you no that did not work!. Cocaine and its associates had me lying ,cheating ,conning, muniplating and stealing from my friends and family to get high.I lost my soul, spirit, body and my mind and I almost lost my life. Looking back, I lost all 10 of my friends because drugs took them to jails, intuitions and finally death. They are no longer with us (they have all passed on .) I am the only survivor of the 11 from a drug infested hell! There is a lot more to this story but I think you get the idea, we all have war stories that we can tell if we had or have an addiction. Thanks to the Amazing Grace of GOD! and the GOD given NA 12 step Program. He saved a retch like me . (Thank You Jesus you saved me.) I hope and pray that this help's and or Saves you to!!

 

Please read My story of RECOVERY from the addiction of drugs.

 

MY Story of ADDICTION.

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